


Benign

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashing, F/F, F/M, Heartbreak, Multi, Neddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 23:04:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16147409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing





	Benign

Steve had never felt this helpless. No matter what he had said or done, nothing helped. He had watched the two people he loved more than anything in the world slip further and further away from each other. Right up until she had walked out the door, no longer able to be blamed for what she had done and she was sure Bucky hated her for.

The thing was he didn’t. He never even blamed her for a second. Steve knew that. The darkness and the nightmares were not about her. Not exactly. It was about his past having tainted what had been pure to him. Y/N knew his past, but she had never come face to face with the weapon he had been before. Steve knew that even if the Soldier hadn’t hurt her, Bucky’s mind was still spiraling out of control with all the things that could happen. He feared what would happen if the programming took over again. He feared losing control and when he looked at her now she represented that to him.

Bucky resented himself. He feared hurting her and losing her so badly, he never saw that was what he was doing. When he realized it was too late and now Steve had lost them both. Bucky wasn’t the same and he worried he never would be again. He had become a mere ghost of the man he had rebuilt himself into.  Even on his worst days he was stronger than the man he was every single day since he lost control. For the past month ever since Y/N walked out the door, this had been who he had become and Steve didn’t know what to do.

He thought back to that day, where a gang of rogue enhanced had infiltrated the Tower. They had used Bucky to create a distraction. They wanted intel on the people that had spent years torturing them. They wanted revenge. They had gotten what they came for within minutes and Steve and the team had caught them within days. They were no longer a threat and not even anyone, Steve or even Bucky could blame them for what they had done. Bucky understood them better than anyone and Steve saw something familiar in their faces. He saw people like Wanda and Bucky. He saw people that deserved a second chance, so he had spoken up in their defense. He had no one to blame so he looked to himself.

He remembered how he hadn’t been able to think about anything else but Y/N when the code had sounded through the Tower. He had foreseen this exact future. Not the journey, but the destination. He knew the second Bucky was no longer Bucky that she was in danger of being hurt by his hand. Without Bucky having any power to stop it, their happiness was over. He had tried to prevent it. He had been prepared to lock her away if he had too. Not just for her sake but for Bucky’s and his own.

He had been so relieved, even knowing what he had to face her yet again when she had listened to him finally. She had stayed behind, barricading herself in her room. Steve closed his eyes and cursed himself for not blocking her in from the outside. He trusted her but he should have known her love was stronger than her word. The moment she had thought of a way she might be able to help the two men she loved, she had been out of the room and heading for Tony’s lab.  

_You could hear the fighting and the gunshots, but you did your best to ignore it. You just hoped that you were right and that Tony was as big of an ass about this as you believed him to be. It wasn’t that you didn’t love him and he did have very good reasons to be apprehensive about the weapon Bucky could become._

_You snuck into Tony’s lab without anyone noticing you and without seeing Bucky. That was pretty damn lucky because even if you did have a plan, you weren’t sure you could carry it through if you saw him ahead of time._

_“Come on Y/N. You’re a spy. This is what you do,” you mumbled to yourself before calling for FRIDAY’s attention. After arguing with her for a few moments, she agreed to help you and pulled up the files on The Winter Soldier. You skimmed through them for what felt like hours but you knew logically were only minutes, until you finally found what you had been hoping was there. You didn’t know if the prospect terrified or relieved you, but now you had a job to do._

_Before HYDRA had wiped his mind so many times he had forgotten all he had done and who he had been, they appeared to have lost control of their asset a few times. Repeating the words you had been looking for once he was activated, didn’t appear to be enough. They had created a formula that slowed the brain activity enough the words would work. You weren’t completely sure how it worked but it wasn’t a mind wipe. Even if it were to steal some memories from him Bucky could rebuilt them. He had before. You weren’t sure he would ever recover if he hurt anyone of you after having been in control for this long._

_You ran across the room, hacking into a secret (or so Tony thought but hiding things from you and Nat was hard) vault hidden behind the most hideous abstract of what you assumed to be Iron Man. Getting it open wasn’t the hard part but sifting through the stuff you had no idea what was were getting to you. You couldn’t know he had mixed the formula, but something told you he would._

_A part of him had come to care for Bucky, but you also knew a part of him still, and probably would always hate the weapon hidden inside of the man you loved. It wasn’t Bucky that had killed his parents, not really, and Tony with time and distance had come to see that too. It didn’t change the fact that it was Bucky’s hands and his face on the video. Not for either of them. You were proud of them for how far they had come, especially hearing Steve’s stories of everything that happened between them._

_You knew someone like Tony would never completely be able to let something like that go. You knew the formula had to be in there somewhere, and it was._

_You fought the tears in your eyes as you filled the needle and reread the ten words, again and again, committing them to memory before stepping out into the hallway. You were about to commit what you knew would be the ultimate sin against one of the loves of your life, not just to save the other but both of them. All of them._

_Locating them near one of the exits, wasn’t hard. Leading you there was a trail of your friends, trying to get up off the floor after having their bells seriously wrung. Tony was standing against the wall when you approached the foyer. Annoyingly smart as he was he recognized what you were about to do without a word. He took a wobbly step towards you, grabbing your wrist._

_“Let me do it Y/N. It shouldn’t be you,” he insisted, despite his state. You sent him a sad smile giving his hand a squeeze as you removed it._

_“It has to be me. I’ll be fine,” you insisted. Tony being too weak to protest too much as he fell back on his ass when he tried to stop you again. He didn’t yell after you either. He knew surprise was your only advantage right now. You ducked into the room and sucked in a sharp breath as you hid behind the shelves._

_You had seen Steve and Bucky fight each other during training a bunch of times. Even playfully in your apartment over nothing, but never like this._

_Bucky’s eyes were completely void of emotion as he violently attacked Steve over and over again. Steve’s eyes, however, were filled with pain and with every blow he delivered, followed the remorse on his face. He did what he had to do. This wasn’t the Bucky you and Steve both loved. He was dangerous and Steve couldn’t let him hurt anyone. Not just for their sake but for his too._

_Steve did what had to be done and so did you. You slid from your hiding place but moved a little too soon. Without even taking his eyes off Steve his human hand landed across your face sending you back first into the table behind you._

_It took you a few seconds to get your bearings, but when you did you knew Steve had reacted to seeing you hurt. The fear for your safety had distracted him long enough Bucky had him on hands and knees, before delivering a kick to his sternum and back into the shelves that tumbled down over him._

_You wanted to scream and run to Steve to make sure he was okay. You couldn’t. This was your window and you moved. Jumping onto his back and before he could you jammed the needle into his neck, emptying the syringe._

_Bucky groaned in pain as holding his neck as you quickly jumped back off him and started calling out the words you had learned by heart in Russian moments ago. Praying you would get them right._

_“Zilánie. Ržávyj. Simnátsatʹ.”_

_Bucky’s attention instantly shifted towards you and he charged, but Steve was faster and off the floor. He intercepted Bucky’s attack before he could reach you with a kick to his chest, sending him stumbling backward._

_“Rassvét. Péč. Dévjitʹ.”_

_“What the hell are you doing Y/N?!” Steve yelled as Bucky charged again, swinging his metal arm at Steve in full force to remove the man that stood between you. Steve tumbled a few steps backwards but didn’t move out of Bucky’s way. He stayed between the two of you, deathset on not letting you be harmed._

_“Dabrasirdéčnyj. Vozvraščénije na ródinu. Adín.”_

_You called out ignoring Steve. You couldn’t stop. Not even when Bucky managed to send him flying through the air and into the wall, denting it._

_“Gruzavój vagón.” You ended, holding your breath and closing your eyes for a few seconds as Bucky raised his fist to deliver a no doubt fatal blow to your head. The impact never came and you opened your eyes. His fist had been lowered and he stood motionless before you. Tears pooled in your eyes as you saw the dead look in his eyes and the stiffness in his body. You had done this to him. You had robbed him of control even if he hadn’t been in the moment either._

_“Y/N?” Steve got off the floor, slowly moving to stand by your side and you swallowed harshly. Your voice was barely above a whisper as you said the final word to make sure he was no longer a danger._

_“Soldat?”_

_“Ya gotov otvechat,” Ready to comply. The words were repeated automatically. He sounded almost robotic and unlike your Bucky at all._

_A tear slipped down your cheek as you turned to Steve, who just stared at you almost as blankly as Bucky. “I activated a fail-safe. I’m in control. He’s fine. Just call Shuri and I’ll get him to the lab._ ”

Steve looked down at the crumpled tear stained letter in his hands. Bucky had found it. Steve knew that. He realized she was gone and it was one more thing he was going to blame himself for for decades to come. Steve read the letters over and over again, as he felt the guilt come over him too. He should have known about the fail safe. He should have been the one to do it. Not her. He could live with Bucky hating him if he had just had her. He could live with being alone if they were happy. Deep down, however, he knew that nothing he could have done that day would have changed the outcome. Y/N couldn’t be controlled and there was nothing she wouldn’t do for the people she loved. No matter how cruel it was she had done the only thing she could do that day to save Bucky, even if she knew it would break them all and destroy everything they had built together. She had kept him safe. Now it was Steve’s jump to fight to get him back, no matter how many decades it would take without her. Even if they would never see her again.

_My dearest Steve. My darling Bucky._

_I am so sorry for what I’ve done. I had no other choice. **I thought I was going to lose you**  both. I knew my actions might still make me lose you. They did. But at least you are both alive. You will always have each other. I find peace in that._

_I’m sorry this was the way it had to end for us. I truly wish it never had. You’re the loves of my life and you always will be._

_Yours forever._

_Y/N._


End file.
